...And Bring Me to My Victory

"How am I suppose to walk in the dark, when I already lost my light, ages ago? How am I suppose to believe, when my faith is already eroded long time ago? How am I suppose to keep breathing, when this skeptical feeling is gnawing this soul from inside, slowly?"

"Do you believe in the existence of God?"

"...."

-another series of conversation with innerself.

*Title taken from My Dying Bride's Bring Me to Victory

Sleep calling me, and my dreams are wondrous...

How am I suppose to devise a way, if you are always one step further than me? It's like I'm playing an unfair game.

It's called predictable, kid. You always claim you are different, now be different!

-another conversation with innerself

*title taken from Anathema's Everwake

Grottans Barn

" Hello, tee Finntroll encik dah sampai, boleh datang pick up bila-bila." Fuck yeah! Rivfader is here, finally! Too bad I can't wear it to the office, ughh! I should go and collect the shirt, maybe after office hours tomorrow.

* Title taken from Finntroll's song

But I'm still burning in your flames

I have been always fascinated with the works of the 3 Kings of Doom; namely Paradise Lost, My Dying Bride and Anathema. Be it from their beginning in the early 90s or until today (which each of them already evolved into different paths); My Dying Bride is still playing Doom with hint of Gothic Metal, Paradise Lost somehow got lost in somewhere after 'Icon' and lately returned to their Gothic/Doom roots, and Anathema is the most eccentric among of these 3. Anathema shed their Doom sound and evolved into Atmospheric/ Prog Rock in the vein of Pink Floyd, just to name a few of their (new) influence. It is kind of strange, since usually when a band decided to abandon their signature sound and head for a different direction, fans (save the hardcore fans) will usually accuse the band of being either sell out or poser. But this doesn't apply to Anathema. Whether they abandoned their Doom/ Death sound or adopted a Pink Floyd-ish sound, they still fascinate me. There could be one reason to explain this. The emotion. Whether I listen to A Dying Wish or Are You There?, they can still invoke the feeling of despair, sadness and loneliness in me. And I think among the 3, Anathema lyrics are the most straight forward to understand.

This might seems straight forward, but Anathema really played a big role in my life. For example, whenever I play 'Everwake' it will instantly reminds me of me and my former...former flame(so does J'ai Fait Une Promesse, sob sob). 'Alone' will always reminds me how bleak and empty my life is (being emo haha~). ' Angelica'.. Well 'Angelica' is my favorite among all. I think if the lyrics were written in bahasa, it'll be a very leleh cinta anthem. A perfect one, I may say. So I have already listened to the album version ( from Eternity), a live version (from Eternity 2003 re-release), and lastly from Hindsight album (a reworking of the old songs in accoutics version). I like all version, and each and every version is beautiful. Now I feel like going all emo haha. Can't believe when they play Angelica (from A Moment in Time video), some of the crowd bang they head to this. How ironic :) Anyway, I hope you enjoy Angelica, as much as I do.

... And I still wonder if you ever wonder the same?

Looking back I realize, nothing have I done

On the contrary, no. I've done lotsa things in 2009. I guess 2009 was a good year. A year of recovery, I might say. I met interesting people. I landed jobs in several places and gained useful experience in the process.

I just feel like sharing this, because... I spent my morning flipping thru photos in my FB. To be honest, I was touched whenever I thought about 2009. Such a great year. It began badly but thanks to The Almighty, it was such a joyous and victorious end. I started 2009 with a brokenheart, yeap I did say brokenheart. Now its already 2010, how fast the time went by. I feel like crying already, lol.

I miss my Petrosains buddies , my Advertising classmates (I met some of them last week, trima kasih Ayu for the lovely BBQ!), my Schjarven friends and many more.

*Title taken from Metallica's Disposable Heroes lyrics.

"I am the life that learned to die"

Whatever the future hold for me, I am positive, I am heading towards it, alone. And when the time comes, I embrace it, alone.

- another conversation with inner self

*Title taken from The Everlasting Scar lyrics by Draconian.

Rundgang Um Die Transzendentale Säule Der Singularitat

"If this body is really failing, I just wish I could ask forgiveness from everybody before I call it a quit"

- A conversation with inner self, last night.

*title taken from Burzum's song.

Perhaps this could help

"This is the price you have to pay for being eccentric. People don't understand you, and you refuse to understand people. Why can't you be just like him, or him, or like that guy?"

"I am not like them. And I don't like them."

- a conversation with inner-self.

Lesson #2: Do Not Faint/ Pass Out At Your Workplace!

Do not skip your breakfast. Watch your sugar intake. Bring sweets wherever you go. Do not faint. Do not create a scene. Do not slump in front of the office entrance. It'll cost you a lot. Financially and emotionally.

Lesson #1: Sharpen your language skillz

MUST NOT SCREW UP.MUST NOT! MUST READ MORE BOOKS!

Another attempt to write in English/ Coulrophobia

Hello 2010. Nothing really changed I guess, our cars still need petrol to move and still unable to fly. We still wear shirts and khakis pants instead of grey metallic suit, and nasi lemak is still in its original form not tablet. Hoho. Whatever it is, happy 2010!

FACT:

I found out me and most of my friends were scared of clown when we were kids. Upon investigation, most of us happened to watched a horror movie called It, at least once when we were little. Yeap, Pennywise is indeed a wicked and scary clown. I remember I was really scared I had countless of sleepless nights after that (another movie that left me the same effect was the Exorcist). Later on I discovered this phobia is called Coulrophobia. Interestingly I was never afraid of Ronald McDonald. Probably because Ronald does not kill with sharp weapons, but rather with artery clogging foods, he seems to be less harmless than Pennywise, LOL. Anyway, did you exprienced the same phobia like me during your childhood?