Forgive us, God.

Funny, when we only seek God during hard times...

When reality hits hard, then only we seek solace to Him.

Funny when we actually know this all too well. We screw up, we get upset, then wee seek Him. Only to forget Him when all things seem to improve. Yet we never learn.

Never.

I/We seek my/our way home to Him. God please help her, grant her ease during this turbulent time.

Sinikal Apathi

There are at times in the middle of the night, I wish I would sleep forever and never see the sun again. Because I feel there is nothing in this life that can offer. So far God haven't grant my wish.

God is unfair. What a joke. 



My life, my whole life is a cruel joke.

Obsesi

Ini obsesi. Tapi gua selalu pujuk diri kata ini adalah aset untuk masa hadapan. Karang dah rare harga dia melambung, terutama CD Storm yang Fenriz Darkthrone sign. Konon pujuk diri, sebab tu bulan-bulan beli pastu meroyan tengah bulan mana pegi duit guaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa jbgahsbasbjanajia! Baik kurangkan sebelum jadi ketagihan membeli-belah (secara maya). Tapi ini bulan Eluveitie - Early Years dah nak sampai :|

What drives you?

Gua kena mengaku, kebanyakan masa gua selalu alami self doubt dan menderita low self esteem. Gua tak ramai kawan, kena pulak gua memang tak bercerita sangat (almost to not telling) kat orang lain. Jadi bila gua rasa down, gua berkurung je dalam bilik, lepas tu termenung berjam-jam. Jalan terakhir yang selalu gua ambil : lupakan dan berlakon macam takde apa-apa. Selalu end up gua jadi cold dan indifferent kat semua orang.

Tapi macam orang lain jugak, ada certain lagu yang kita boleh relate dengan diri dan situasi yang kita alami. Kalau lain orang ada lagu yang boleh uplift semangat mereka yang down, ini adalah lagu motivasi untuk gua; Weather the Storm. Always lift me up whenever I feel unworthy. Terima kasih Insomnium. Always make me feel good and never surrender. Bila gua pasang ni, yang selalu bermain dalam kepala ialah jangan mengalah. Always.

Cast down into the darkness

To stumble towards unknown

Only emptiness to hold on to

Only shadows to seek support from

So arm your heart with self-worth

Yet prepare for sorrow and pain

Don't let the fear eat you from inside

Wear your weaknesses with pride

And even if you crush my body

And drain it 'til the last drop

You can never touch my spirit

You can never touch my soul

No matter how bleak or how hopeless

No matter how hard or how far

You can never break my conation

Tear the will apart from desire

Thrown down into the flames

Enfolded by ash and ember

Quenched in scorching fire

Hardened in undying flare

Through demise and disaster

Past the flames of the end

Rise above ever stronger

Disown the past for the present

Don't be guided by fear or failure

It's now or never

Just give it all in

Ini.

Hanya bila kau dah hilang segalanya, baru kau rasa terpanggil untuk buat apa sahaja untuk hidup

Dalam kepala, ayat ni bermain berulang-ulang kali. Apa yang gua hilang? Apa yang gua masih belum selesaikan?

Yes, and I said yes to that too. You mean I can only select one?That's preposterous!

I have received several offers at the moment. And I said yes to all. And it's not about marrying several women at once. It gives me a headache. Well um, maybe after I spend my 6th day of lepak marathon at KLCC I can finally make up my mind. Maybe.

I want to start my 2012 with a bang.

I'm praying for better opportunity to come. Dear potential employer, I'm ready.

I, hate.

Look I'm not gonna waste my time (and probably your precious time as well) scribbling down nonsensical rants now, since I don't feel like writing to be honest. I might end up writing a sick perverted joke that nobody will ever get, or bish anything that I hate at the moment. Is there anything I don't hate? I hate pretty much everything! From rude mamak restaurant, to snobbish LRT commuters, I probably hate your mum and your car as well, for no apparent reason. You know anything else I hate? My boss. What else? Yes, I hate driving. My mouth spits faster vulgar words than the speed of the car I drive. Yes I hate people who don't reply my IM. Talk to me you stuck up people! I hate slow Internet connection, because I hate to wait webpage to load. No I'm not done. I hate the fact I always end up being used most of the time and when I retaliated with harsh reaction, I'll end up feeling guilty. I hate Malaysian street burger. They put too much mayo and sawce, later smudge my super awesome band shirt. I hate smelly people in LRT, they ruin my morning (or evening). Are you still here? I hate Imbiss Deli. Not that I hate the food, don;t get it wrong, I love the burgers and dongs! I hate the fact my hand smells sawce, condiments, meat after my meal at Imbiss because I end up putting my palms closely to my nostril and sniff em like nobody's business, sedap doh bau dia. I hate reading blogs by bishes with the likes of intanurulfateha or cikepal for instance, they are parasite to the society I wish they could simply vanish into thin air, one fine day. I hate interviewing beautiful celebrities, their untainted beauty distracts me from performing my assignment, I still love Jojo Struys btw. I hate being around beautiful and rich people, I wish to  rip their expensive clothes off from their surgically enhanced body. I hate the fact I never get to slim down. I hate I have to replace my black Converse sneakers every 8 months. I hate my compulsive online buying disorder, well not really disorder. I tend to buy and later regret but flaunt my stuff as if I have lotsa money left in the bank.Damn you Internet. I hate when I eat using my hand, I have to walk to the sink situated somewhere only God knows, only to have my hand washed!Some more I have to repeat when I finished eating! I hate waking up from sleep way too early from usual. I end up standing up at the balcony, smoking cigs while get my brain to think something, preferably related with Fight Club. I hate to walk out of the house only to turn back half way because I forgot my ID and ATM card. I hate it when people shouts and vents their anger through the phone. Either I get stutter or disconnect the call. I hate the fact I haven't living a normal 9-5 for the last 4 months. I hate the fact this year is probably the lowest oint in my life but filled with interesting experience. 

You still reading? You just wasted 8 minutes of your life reading my nonsensical rants. As for me, a splendid idea just crossed my mind while writing this, so I guess it's not a loss at all spending few minutes typing typity type craps and shits. Ta!

We are about to sail to Dreamland. Wash your feet first, gentleman.

When I was a little boy, I always went to sleep in fear. 20 ++ years later, I still sleep in fear. Guess some things are meant to last forever. And I'm very very upset.

That's why we have level 1 button

I was getting into a lift when old lady gave me a snicker when she saw me hit the level 1 button.

"Level 1? Using a lift?"

"Yea, level 1, using a lift. How obvious is that" I gave a sarcastic remark, noticing she wants to make fun of me.

"Ahhh nothing, it's just you know, level 1 and you had to wait the lift.. tsk tsk"

"You know, god created Man, and Man created lift, and we make good use of it. I'm just being grateful and make good use of whatever that is created. Plus, the lift comes with level 1 button, so I just push and wait. Simple as that. I don't think you are that dumb to understand this. If you think you are trying to make me look lazy by not using stairs, too bad because I don't give a rat ass about it. Excuse me."

"Uh..mm"

I walked out of the lift, and the old hag must felt silly of attempting to troll a young, angry, emotionally unstable man.

In reality, I wait at one corner and cry

Bro when can  get my money?

Well I'm not sure la but I'm working on it.

Seriously I need it ASAP, I 'm kinda short of money right now and I have bills to pay

Yea I know but you have to wait.

Okay, then I guess you have to wait at the office lah today.

Wait where the fuck are going? What the fuck are you doing?

Limbus Careerum

Limbo rock adalah sebuah permainan yang selalu dimainkan dekat parti-parti (sekarang instead main limbo rock, anak-anak muda lebih gemar emm, main romen) manakala limbo pula adalah istilah yang merujuk kepada keadaan bila mana roh berada terawang-awang antara syurga dan neraka (istilah paling dekat, Barzakh). Istilah yang tak pernah wujud adalah Career Limbo, di mana lu tak tau hala tuju karier lu, tak tau sama ada sekarang ni lu jobless ke masih employed. Eh ada ke?Hey-low, how low can you go?

Of Dwindling Sanity and Coins

Gua ada satu bekas plastik yang gua jadikan tempat simpan syiling. Banyak sekali syiling gua rupanya sampai nak terkoyak seluar gua simpan, jadi gua amik bekas ni buat simpan syiling. Tapi sekarang, amboi syiling tu dah makin susut, hari demi hari.Pada gua syiling tu represent gua punya kewarasan, bila makin kurang kewarasan gua makin decline. Ha, go figure lah apa sebenarnya jadi.

Penulisan automatik

I feel guilty for abandoning Dissecting the Euphony. It's been a while since I last posted my article there and I don't feel like writing, at least for the moment. Dah burnout kot. The fact that I have to juggle three jobs (well, two to be exact) at the same time is really driving me insane. I'll be back for DtE. Definitely. But until then, I really need to chill the fuck out.

Awas tapir melintas

Once, a young woman blurted out a sentence that I take it very personal to my heart.

"Kau takde kereta kau jangan cakap banyak"

Well, apparently not owning a transportation (in my case, a car) will make you look less cool and people will look you down. And then I began to fantasize this:

One day, when I have my own car (I will name it Vaskania), preferably a black Peugeot 308, the first thing I will do is to find that woman, knock her over from the sidewalk and then proceed to run her over.Twice. Or more. Or until she becomes a bloody mess. And then I will step out from the car and say "You mad?".

A violent and morbid fantasy indeed.

Distractions from the truth we dare not to face

I have learnt that life itself comprises of yin and yang. Balance. Bad and good. When a good news comes in, you better be ready because a bad news will follow soon after. Vice versa. I guess that is why there's an old saying you better not be overjoyed because you might be crying blood later.I've been living a..how should I put this, a life that I'd never imagined I will ever go through. I came to a point that I say to myself, "Fuck everything, bro. Just go on. If you feel like not doing it, ditch it". I pictured myself plagued by depression for the next few weeks, locking myself in my room, staring into emptiness and waiting for something REAL bad to happen. I even imagined myself died in sleep. And then it came.

With strings of unlucky happenings took place previously, came a news that worth for what I've been waiting for so long. And then, another bad news looming at the horizon.You can't leave me for long, do ya? Then I feel like having someone that I could share with. Someone worth to listen to my stories. Another problem. I don't have one. I never had one. Not that I never tried. I can go and cry to a total stranger but a question will remain. Will it worth it? I decided to keep it to myself and I wonder. Am I worth to anybody? Or have I been repulsive and insensitive to everybody?

"Hello, may I speak to *bleep*?"

"Speaking"

"I have something to tell you. Where are you now?"

"Outside.Taking a stroll.What, it's about your *bleep*, is it not?"

"Well..uh yeah.Look, can we talk later when you are home?"

"What's the problem. Tell me now lah."

"No uhh, it's not appropriate to talk when you are doing something else. Can we talk once you are home?"

"I'll be home late.."

"No no problem, I'm not working tomorrow.."

"But I'm working. I'll be tired when I reach home"

"Umm okay. I talk to you soon, I guess"

"Yeah"

I felt like going for a shower once I hang the phone. I felt like crying under the cold trickling shower. So I can pretend  I never cry because my tears flow together with the cold water running down my face. I feel empty.

Empty. I feel very lonely. I feel like I'm going back to October 2008. Those agonizing moments ran back into my mind. And here, I am contemplating whether I can make it through once again and live to remember it.

And this, will always playing in my mind whenever I feel down.

You disgusting pile of shi....

God damn it, bila lu tetiba je galak dengar lagu jiwang macam Anuar Zain ke George Michael, pastu mula nak jaga appearance, baju nak iron selalu, mula pakai balik perfume, rambut mula mau jaga, janggut sudah tamau simpan, kuku selalu pendek, lepas makan sibuk nak floss gigi, selalu tengok cermin pastu sibuk nak kuruskan badan, selalu lawat blog jiwang kongkang eiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii apa semua tu? Dah tu sebelum tido tangan letak atas dahi, sengih sorang-sorang what the fuck bro? What the fuck eeeeeeeeee. Dah mula nak rasa connection dengan other human being? All ties must be severed! babasgatwvawasoasaladp! Ok nak dengar Arrora Salwa dulu.

Who the fuck are you? Cornelius, Rupert, Bob?

I don't really know myself, as long as I can remember. I was born with a name, but I always believe I had another name, a REAL name. I believe I'm a spirit trapped in someone's body, for the last 20++ years. Could I have been a lost spirit that was banished to live in an unwilling host? Or am I a spirit that is made up from three different individuals, each possesses its own characteristics? I don't really know. I am not even sure if this is really me writing this. This could be an automatic writing, who knows. Who cares. Whenever I spend time thinking, I always feel like I am having a conversation with 2 separate individuals, when the reality is I communicate with myself, only me and nobody else. Like just now, when I was driving Laici's car, I was all alone I started talking to myself, complete with 2 different voices and attitude. I cannot really explain that, it's just making me feel scared of myself. Did I really asleep? Or did I wake up as another person? I have three alter egos that I am aware of, but there could be more.

He who shall not be named

The one who is writing this. My name, well you don't have to know my name. I don't play any significant role in your life, so my name does not matter to you. He who shall not be named is the main entity. The one who run all the main functions. Basically, me in my real state of consciousness. The plain Joe you meet in the streets, the writer that you despise so much, the quite depressive man who suffers from chronic self esteem problem. Yeap that's me. He who shall not be named despises reality and everybody in general. He rejects all type of kindness... why the fuck am I writing in 3rd person view? Okay, I reject all types of kindness and love. I believe every man is for himself therefore kindness should not come in between. Love, ahh love. Love makes you all weak and pathetic. Therefore I abstain myself from almost all form of love. I still love my family though. I've met some of amazing females but none of them I really want to establish a relationship with. It's simple. I don't trust people and I worth for nobody. Yes I worth for nobody. If you know me in real life, you'd agree with me of how a sore loser I am. Nuff said.

Boboy

Boboy manifested whenever I'm under pressure whether it's a negative or positive pressure. Boboy possesses childlike manners, referring himself in third person and deviated far from my normal self. Recently some of my friends beginning to cal me Boboy, to which I feel uncomfortable. Boboy also have the tendency to express his longing to be at home with his mother and family.

A is for Anomaly

A is by far, the longest alter ego I have since my break up with the Chinese girl. A is for Anomaly is bitter and emotionally disturbed individual. Most of the time A pretend to be an insensitive jerk and critical towards everybody around him. A can't take rejection and as a result he became prejudice and hold the view that the world is against him. As such A will surface whenever I am deeply stressed and serve as a function for me to start exploring other options in life. A is  a metalhead in particular and loves music in general. That is how Dissecting the Euphony is born, where A believe he can channel all his frustrations into writing.

3 in 1. What about you?

Uh-huh

Bila di siang hari kau jadi penulis, takkan di waktu lapang pun nak menulis? Gila ke apa? Sebab tu gua dah jarang menulis. Ok tengs.

Of repulsive and being repulsed

I always believe in give and take. I believe everything must have yin and yang. Which is why whenever I do something I always expect something in return. Fuck sincerity, since when we humans are being sincere? So whenever I lower my ego, please give some respect. It's not everyday I do that. I assumed you (whoever you might be).. it's either you are too stupid to realize or you are just fooling around. You are just too complex to understand. Don't make me lose my interest, do not.

Okay, perhaps I was too harsh. I'm sorry. But I don't wish to say this to you, because you might don't understand it, so I rather write it down here.

This is A signing off.