A: An Autopsy

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Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Adman by day, music writer by night. Closet metalhead on weekends. You may find me weird, but that's just probably you.

I quit smoking and proud of it

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Distractions from the truth we dare not to face

I have learnt that life itself comprises of yin and yang. Balance. Bad and good. When a good news comes in, you better be ready because a bad news will follow soon after. Vice versa. I guess that is why there's an old saying you better not be overjoyed because you might be crying blood later.I've been living a..how should I put this, a life that I'd never imagined I will ever go through. I came to a point that I say to myself, "Fuck everything, bro. Just go on. If you feel like not doing it, ditch it". I pictured myself plagued by depression for the next few weeks, locking myself in my room, staring into emptiness and waiting for something REAL bad to happen. I even imagined myself died in sleep. And then it came.

With strings of unlucky happenings took place previously, came a news that worth for what I've been waiting for so long. And then, another bad news looming at the horizon.You can't leave me for long, do ya? Then I feel like having someone that I could share with. Someone worth to listen to my stories. Another problem. I don't have one. I never had one. Not that I never tried. I can go and cry to a total stranger but a question will remain. Will it worth it? I decided to keep it to myself and I wonder. Am I worth to anybody? Or have I been repulsive and insensitive to everybody?

"Hello, may I speak to *bleep*?"
"I have something to tell you. Where are you now?"
"Outside.Taking a stroll.What, it's about your *bleep*, is it not?"
"Well..uh yeah.Look, can we talk later when you are home?"
"What's the problem. Tell me now lah."
"No uhh, it's not appropriate to talk when you are doing something else. Can we talk once you are home?"
"I'll be home late.."
"No no problem, I'm not working tomorrow.."
"But I'm working. I'll be tired when I reach home"
"Umm okay. I talk to you soon, I guess"

I felt like going for a shower once I hang the phone. I felt like crying under the cold trickling shower. So I can pretend  I never cry because my tears flow together with the cold water running down my face. I feel empty.

Empty. I feel very lonely. I feel like I'm going back to October 2008. Those agonizing moments ran back into my mind. And here, I am contemplating whether I can make it through once again and live to remember it.

And this, will always playing in my mind whenever I feel down.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Then, talk to God, He'll listen..

empty and lonely, but you are not alone. Be strong k.


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