Of Drama and Fantasy

I nearly lost my calm last night. I was this close *tunjuk jarak jari telunjuk dengan thumb* of bursting into tears. And then my conscience kicked in. The hardboiled, bitter side of me voiced his opinion.

"Go ahead. Cry all you want. Then you'll realize what a complete fool you are. Why would you cry over nonsensical matter like this?"

My conscience was right. I have feelings too. Much like everybody else. But my feelings are not returned. The feeling is not mutual. Only loser would cry because of this.

Then I sat on the sofa. In a living room. With complete silence. I was really drowned in my emotions. I lighted a cig I found on dining table. I had no idea whose cig pack was it. One stick. Two. Three.

My mind went racing for an hour I think. Judging the pros and cons. Trying to rationalize myself it's all been a fantasy all these while. Something that is not concrete. That I've been a Whiteknight, something that I strongly oppose. Then I started singing Delerium- A Poem for Byzantium. I don't remember what happened after that.But I believe I've found a reason to start off a whole new day.

I woke up late this morning. First thing I did was, laugh.

"Fuck, gua dah lambat"

While scratching my butt I head to bathroom. It was the most pleasing morning shower for a long time. I even took the time to iron my shirt. I grinned all the way to workplace. Suddenly, I feel grateful I have a good job and good life.

Now, I'm writing this while going back home. I feel content. Life isn't over. I just stumbled and got a little bit drama. I got carried away, maybe a little bit.

I'm pretty much sure this is one of the divine's intervention to make me one notch wiser. I recovered pretty quick. I know I did the right thing not to go berserk over a female, who I don't even know what she does for a living.

I am content. And I am happy the way things turned out to be. I maybe realized that playing a Nice Guy won't get me anywhere (being douchebag doesn't solve it either). Here's for a one big change!

A.




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