1 word. 1 strong word.

How to forget a people you concern so much? You hate them with all your heart. HATE.

A strange dream I had

Sometimes I wonder, how many people will attend my funeral? And among these people, how many friends of mine will attend? And don't forget to play Marduk - Blackcrowned, during my funeral procession.

Whoa.

Semper Fidelis, my friend. Semper Fidelis.

Once I said to a friend;

"You want to know who your real friends are? Those who stand by your side, during good and bad times. They are your real friends. The rest, they can fuck off and die, brother."

Do you?

I like my job and I have no planning of going anywhere, at least for the moment. I'm here to stay and I will always be a Spelling Nazi. Hahahahahahaha! Okay, that is just dramatic.

This is extreme, too!

Introducing, Bohren und der Club of Gore, Ambient Jazz from Germany. But I rather call them porno jazz or noir jazz. Give it a try, and if you are into something different, you will love it. And to those who prefer guttural vocals, chugging guitar works, sorry pal, this is not your cup of tea. Stick to your JFAC, amateurs!

So tingly tingly my body is trembling gee gee gee gee gee. Haha~

So I went back working at Petrosains. No, NSTP did not fire me. Yes, I'm still a writer, and yes I'm a PSB volunteer again (Although I'm not sure whether I already broke the contract for working 2 places at one time, but I guess it wasn't stated in the offer letter). Things surely changed for the last four months. Most of my friends already left (landing new jobs, pursuing studies), and things were pretty awkward, but what the heck. I come, I work, and I go home. Well, not really. I come, I work, I observe people, and I go home. Fuck yeah. I told Apin to book me a slot for Saturday, and she did. I came and to be honest, I forgot almost everything they taught to me 8 months ago. If everything is fine, I will come to work on weekends, if everything is okay. I miss working at Petrosains, to be honest. Heh. Well, I guess I'm back.

Fucking hell, I lost interest to continue my post. All because of her. Ughh curse you Soo Young! But I love you hmmmfghh~ Til then.

I was imagining myself walking by the river bank, with my pipe..Okay I'm just a typical Malay,who would probably never leave his hometown.

Well,have you checked their Myspace? Abang Chrigel and his folk warriors still have it. Fuck yeah! Well done Eluveitie. I'm so going to get your guys Paganfest shirt. Make sure to check them out. Yes, deathcore is not the only phenomenon right now, this year, its New Wave of Folk Metal's turn!

If I can make fire out of me, I'll be fiercely burning by now

Pukimak lu ah, lu sapa nak suruh gua berubah? Lu sapa? Soalan paling pentingnya, siapa lu? Apa signifikan lu dalam hidup gua? Kalau gua berubah pun, apa gua dapat dari lu? Kadang-kadang gua jadi rimas dengan orang yang sibuk nak suruh gua berubah. Tak kira la lu cun ke buruk ke kurus ke apa ke, bila dah sampai tahap suruh gua berubah memang gua menyirap terus gua pandang hina ah. Asal dari muka cun gila terus gua rasa muka macam anjing. Anjing okay! Rasa nak terajang aje sampai kemik.

Heran, kawan apa macam tu kalau tak boleh terima gua luar dalam? Bukan patut kawan terima ke baik buruk kita? Tu pada definisi gua ah. Kawan gua minum, ha pegi la minum. Lu tetap kawan gua. Kawan gua kaki weed, lu tetap kawan gua. Kawan gua kaki main pompuan, lu tetap kawan gua. Jadi apa pukimaknya nak gua berubah? That is just fucking absurd. Bodoh. Kalau lu rasa gua takleh suit in jadi kawan lu sebab personality gua lain dari kawan-kawan lu (yang gua nampak sebenarnya diorang poyo dan bimbo), so be it. Gua tak heran. Sebab tu gua memang susah nak percaya orang. Sebab kewujudan bangsat-bangsat macam ni lah. Appearance bagus, tapi perangai suka judging orang ni buat gua muak. Gua tak pandang lah wei appearance lu lebat mana pun tapi perangai bangang, gua jadi sakit hati. Tak payah cakap la, dari pandangan lu pun gua tau la cemana lu anggap gua cemana.

Ada bagus jugak gua jadi macam ni, tak payah nak fikir banyak. Yang gua ada, diri gua dan sedikit kawan-kawan yang gua percaya. Sebab gua tak banyak cakap, lu ingat gua sombong? Sebab gua pakai baju hitam memanjang dengan logo tah apa-apa tu, gua sembah setan? Bodoh, penat aje belajar tinggi, lu tetap takde beza dengan orang lain. Wei, gua ni, bukan setakat je luaran, dalaman gua ni lu tak tau. Gua upset. Satu lagi insan yang gua ingat pandai menilai orang, tapi gua silap. Rupanya sama saja macam pukimak lain kat luar sana. Nampaknya gua masih banyak nak belajar pasal rasa percaya kat orang ni.

He's like an ocean, you know?

Out of boredom, I did a personality quiz, just to see how the result truly reflect myself. I think it is almost true.

So here it is:

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Whoa,heh.

A tribute to a friend (no, he ain't dead yet)

Kali ni, gua nak tulis dalam Bahasa. Dan gua nak dedikasikan kat kawan yang kadang-kadang gua dah anggap macam abang gua; yang sewaktu gua hadapi mental breakdown dulu dia antara orang yang banyak kasi semangat, yang jadi teman gua bila gua perlukan nasihat dan pandangan, yang jadi teman praktis gua drumming kadang-kadang.. dan yang selalu gua lupa; kalau tak sebab dia yang suruh gua try minta kerja kat NSTP, sampai skang agaknya gua tak land job sebagai copywriter. This one, goes to you Bang Rosmaini @ Contramen @ Pak Men.

TERIMA KASIH

for being such a good friend. Gua sentiasa harap lu sukses dalam apa menda yang lu buat dalam hidup. Ketabahan lu harungi hidup ni kadang-kadang buat gua malu yang gua ni tak berapa keras sebenarnya. Bang Men, I see you at the top!Oh, kita Mat Metal sampai mati, bro!

Taarene

And I could feel, life itself is laughing, and mocking me. If this life is so meaningless, there should be no reason to live! As this sanity slowly fade away, wonder how long I will endure this journey.

- Another conversation with innerself

I'm considering of returning to Petrosains on weekends. I need extra money, and I miss interacting with visitors (ironic eh, a social recluse suddenly miss being around people?).

* Title taken Funeral's song

Cure for the emptiness

Yeah, and it worked. My most anticipated album of 2010:


Rotting Christ - AEALO


Eluveitie - Everything Remains (As It Never Was)

Both albums are due for release by next week. To be honest, I already listened to AEALO and currently listening to ER (AINW). I'm not going to post my review here, to imply that I respect both bands (I downloaded it) and due to the fact both albums have yet been released. Maybe the review will follow later. Anyway I already booked ER (AINW) CD, let's just see whether they already placed my order.

And they did worked. At least to take my mind off, for a while.

Stor Mo Chroí , Fill Fill a Rún Ó :(

This void, is left rotting. Unattended.

This guilt, still haunts to this day. Endlessly.

This ardor, has already turned to stone. Mercilessly.

I beg thee, Stor Mo Chroí, for a second chance.

Forgive me.

*title taken from Mary McLaughlin song(s).

Who Can Dream Forever

I tried to imagine myself in the future. Strange enough, I can't. It's like I don't have a future. Maybe, Death is just around the corner. Waiting for the right moment. To snatch this unworthy life. Then only I can find my eternal peace

-another conversation with inner self

*title taken from Narsilion's song.

A surprise...well kinda.

Thanks to abang-abang Brain Dead for putting up our video on your page! It's an honour,really! Eventho we fucked up that song, we feel honoured!Once a legend, always a legend. And my respect, goes to you, Brain Dead!

Into the Infinity of Thoughts

"I would like to meet God in person, I want to tell God to restore my faith. I want to witness God's power, so if God really exists, I will never doubt God,ever, again. At least, I know I live my life for something. At least I will know the purpose of my existence. At least, I will know, the reason why I'm still breathing. All I need, is a revelation."

- another series of conversation with inner self

*Title taken from Emperor's song

Ich bin mein eigener Gott

I am my own Master. Curse upon the blind followers.

A figure of tragedy

Fuck commitments. and fuck everything that you believe, unless it's proven otherwise. Liars.

Hoi jangan tuang kerja!

Kamil and Fizrie, you both are fucking retarded! And I mean it in a good way lol.

Heaven Laid in Tears

"Being submissive,is a sign of weakness. Kalau dengan Tuhan pun aku tak tunduk, kenapa aku mesti tunduk dengan manusia? Isn't that just absurd?"

- another conversation with inner self

This trust, goes to no one

"If life is going to be like this forever, so be it. You can do your worst, O Creator."
- another conversation with inner self.

A Scenery of Loss

He was raised under criticism. Every single thing he did he got condemned. Later on in life he turned into a person who have a low self esteem issue. He have no confidence in anything, in almost single aspect. All he know, everything he do will eventually fail. He is a let down to everyone. If he is in a team, he is a liability. God created him, and he is a failed creation. Why should he care? It does not matter anymore, for he is a versachen. To everyone.

I want to try but I'm locked in this cage of mine

One night, as I was walking home, a thought ran into my mind, "Wake up, you've been dwelling too much in your own world. It's about time to separate dream and reality". Have I been dreaming all these years? And everything is not what it seems? This must be a very very long sleep.

- another series of conversation with inner self

*Title taken from Sleepthief's Labyrinthine Heart