Out of Place Person (OOPP)

Sometimes I wonder, how did I end up in this agency. I don't know. I mean look at me.

Not an award winning creative
No prior agency experience
Not even deemed as a creative person (according to my standard)
A (former)Creative Director of one of KL top agency once belittled me of I don't have what it takes to be a writer.

Now I'm here. Probably the only thing that impressed my ECD was my approach. Other than that, I don't know.

Why, I always ask myself.

I hope this is not another cruel joke by Fate.

Sometimes I just wonder. Is my life is a big joke, plotted by the Great Stagewriter?

I still wonder.


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Sinikal Apathi

There are at times in the middle of the night, I wish I would sleep forever and never see the sun again. Because I feel there is nothing in this life that can offer. So far God haven't grant my wish.

God is unfair. What a joke. 



My life, my whole life is a cruel joke.

The Unblessed 1

Sometimes I don't feel grateful enough of what I have.

Not enough money
Not enough respect gain
Not enough happiness
Not enough love
Not enough time
Not enough everything.

I always feel my existence in this world is merely a supporting act to a show. Never been a main star, so far. Am I really that undeserving?

Staff meeting few hours ago. Fellow creatives unveiled some of their submission for Kancil award. Good? No. Fucking stellar. Mindblowing. I watched for few minutes then huddled myself at a corner. That feeling. Envy. I can't help but feeling envy. Fucking genius, where did they get the idea? Why didn't I think about it earlier? My buddy went ecstatic calling it a breakthrough and some positive shit while I just sat at my place silently.

Thinking how the creative gap that is obviously wide. To date I didn't produce anything that wow my mentor, I'm not even going to mention my ECDs (nice men they are, just listed as top three copywriters with most awards won). I feel ashamed of myself. I tried to write initiatives/scams as much as I can but so far none can impress even myself. What's wrong with me, I don't know.

I need to stop. For now.

I still miss 'Susan Glenn'.



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As Rain Pours Down

I'm in taxi heading home. Jalan Ampang is badly congested. And my arms are aching beyond description.

I'm feeling the urge to contact 'Susan Glenn'. Badly. To be honest I actually miss her, although most of the time she has been ignoring me (this was before I learnt the truth). Probably I should not contact her. By that, I mean severing all ties. All types of communication.

I still miss her.

This is bad.






I should persevere.
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A Deviation From The Norm

First week of October brought me good vibes.

I started my gym workout last Monday. To tell the truth, walking/running on treadmill at first felt like a fat hamster running on wheel. I even got my Vertigo attack on the first day. Shit was hard at first but I persevered. I also had this doubt whether those imaginary gym douchebags (with 21 inch biceps) gonna bully me calling me Walrus or worse Fat Blob. It didn't happen. It was just my unfounded imagination. 4 times a week and I already feel good about myself. Last Friday I asked my trainer to help me to get the reading of my weight. What a pleasant surprise. Ever since I avoided rice for the last 1 month I actually lost 3 kilo. The trainer said I have a high metabolism rate, which explains why I easily gain and lose weight. 

Despite working out every early morning and scoot to work immediately after that I didn't get tired at work, which proved I was wrong again. Instead I feel refreshed and eager to start work. Don't know whether this was caused by my motivation or else. All I know it felt awesome. Fuck, yes.

I didn't really give much thought about 'Susan Glenn'. Like I said before, probably I fell for a wrong person so there's no use of remembering here. Although I admit I did a bit of stalking work...come on, a little bit of stalking won't hurt okay. Kimak balak hang muka macam serombong kapal. Okay that went quite overboard, fuck it I don't care. 

Calm down.

.

.

.

.

.

I am.

Tried my hand on cooking last night. I don't know what went into me but the idea seems to be excellent. Conceived the idea while was working out at Avenue K. Went for lunch and movie after that, only after the movie I felt I should cook for dinner. So I went to MaxValu (after googling the recipes and  barraged my friends with SMSes asking for advice), few hours later tadaa!

Boiled vegs + black pepper gravy, Black Pepper chikin stir fry, Garlic Parsley Potato.

Not to brag, but I think I did it rather good, especially the black pepper chikin. So probably I'm gonna do it again next weekend. At least I know what I'm capable of. I was actually expecting a total kitchen disaster or... some terrible bowel injury haha.

So yeah. Again, I am content.

Of Drama and Fantasy

I nearly lost my calm last night. I was this close *tunjuk jarak jari telunjuk dengan thumb* of bursting into tears. And then my conscience kicked in. The hardboiled, bitter side of me voiced his opinion.

"Go ahead. Cry all you want. Then you'll realize what a complete fool you are. Why would you cry over nonsensical matter like this?"

My conscience was right. I have feelings too. Much like everybody else. But my feelings are not returned. The feeling is not mutual. Only loser would cry because of this.

Then I sat on the sofa. In a living room. With complete silence. I was really drowned in my emotions. I lighted a cig I found on dining table. I had no idea whose cig pack was it. One stick. Two. Three.

My mind went racing for an hour I think. Judging the pros and cons. Trying to rationalize myself it's all been a fantasy all these while. Something that is not concrete. That I've been a Whiteknight, something that I strongly oppose. Then I started singing Delerium- A Poem for Byzantium. I don't remember what happened after that.But I believe I've found a reason to start off a whole new day.

I woke up late this morning. First thing I did was, laugh.

"Fuck, gua dah lambat"

While scratching my butt I head to bathroom. It was the most pleasing morning shower for a long time. I even took the time to iron my shirt. I grinned all the way to workplace. Suddenly, I feel grateful I have a good job and good life.

Now, I'm writing this while going back home. I feel content. Life isn't over. I just stumbled and got a little bit drama. I got carried away, maybe a little bit.

I'm pretty much sure this is one of the divine's intervention to make me one notch wiser. I recovered pretty quick. I know I did the right thing not to go berserk over a female, who I don't even know what she does for a living.

I am content. And I am happy the way things turned out to be. I maybe realized that playing a Nice Guy won't get me anywhere (being douchebag doesn't solve it either). Here's for a one big change!

A.




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Namárië, dinda

I feel crushed very bad. You know when you try really hard to hide a wound, it will eventually fester and leave you in misery? Yes. Here is something I should have done long time ago. But I chose not to. Whether I was too scared or waited for the right time, it doesn't matter now, for I think all is lost. For whatever strength is left, here it is. 

I blame nobody but myself. Perhaps I was too late. Or perhaps I fell for the wrong person.

Dear 'Susan Glenn',

I learnt it the hard way. Here, I leave you in peace. Thanks for all the time you willing to hear me and spend. I am eternally grateful. Sure I'm left crushed pretty bad, but I will stand up again, all on my own. I'm not going to say I will always love you, because over the time, feelings will change. Sorry for all the trouble caused.

Namárië, dinda.

A.

Unbidden shadows of you formed yesterday

I ran away to a room here on the bay

Interrupted life again, another new beginning

Where the silence echoes

You're no longer with me

Here and now

I feel that I'm embracing freedom

Even though I may be alone

But that's okay

Through the darkness 

I would walk in the streets

Confessions never seemed

To provide me with a release

Held me down and tried to cure me

Tried to give me reason

But nothing could seperate

This burdened mind from me

Here and now

I feel that I'm embracing freedom

Even though I may be alone, but that's okay

Looking out to a different sky will disengage me

Absence is never the answer, I know

But it serves as my shade

I do not seek and not intend to find

A calmer ocean or a sun that'll never rise

My world will never change

And time will bring you to my thoughts

I'll move on and forget you all over again

Moving on, I can forgive you all over again

Here and now

I feel that I'm embracing freedom

Even though I may be alone, but that's okay

And looking out onto a different sky

It seems so easy

Absence is never the answer, I know

But it serves as my shade