A: An Autopsy

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Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Adman by day, music writer by night. Closet metalhead on weekends. You may find me weird, but that's just probably you.

I quit smoking and proud of it

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A re-cap: part 1

Yeah, semalam aku terlupa nak tulis apa. Tapi pagi ni,lepas solat Subuh dan shower yang serba lengkap. Baru bole mula. So this is a re-cap for my life through out the semester.


Alright, final exam is over. That means I am no longer a student. Well, technically speaking, I am still a student until the result is out, but hey, who cares? Honestly speaking, this is the worst semester ever. I was always late for class, even skipped a few classes and end up missing quizzes and tests. Had a few clashes with classmates and end up not talking to them the rest of the sem. Gone were the days where we used to sit together and talked almost everything. But I think it is just the process of growing up. Also, I managed to get together with friends from diploma years, cuz we were in the same class for some subjects. It was fun. I don't remember when the last time I was in a all-male group. Yeah, and they were my housemates during my diploma years. We formed a group for a broadcasting critic class. The class was fun, and I like it cuz it wasn't complicated like Asian Politics, or Advertising Campaign. Tiap-tiap minggu tengok movie, docu, and drama and critic-critic-critic-critic. Anyway, we get ourselves together, and named ourselves The Backline Boys (so sekolah menengah kan?) since we sat at the back of the class, in line of course. Kinda like jocks/ bad boys: kacau-kacau orang (Azim is the leader since he's kinda like lelaki gatal lol followed by Syukri), gelak-gelak time lecturer tengah mengajar, and online Facebook in the middle of class (thanks to Azim HTC pda). We might sounded like a total jerks, but nay, when it comes to presentation or assignments, we back to ourselves: nature loving(?), humble and sharp. Haha. Yeah, we love our lecturer, Kak Nora Hendon. Fahim said she was a former Nona host. I don't know, I was never into Nona pun. But yeah, she does indeed possess the celebrity aura,heh. The students love her (especially Azim, siap ada mantera puja-puja lagi) and I remember she called us 'Kumpulan Serba Hitam' since all of us wore all black clothing, co-incidently, every week pula tu.

Now that the exam is over, it is time to.. how should I say this, a time to set our eyes to the career world? Hell yeah. Although mom insisted me to apply for masters studies, I don't feel like studying anymore, at least for this time of being. 5 years of studying, come on! Give me a break! I want to go out there and meet new people. I want the career I always dream of!

Speaking of life planning, I believe everybody should at least have one. Whether it's a carefully planned or simply just a set of rough ideas. Mine, well I believe mine is kind of set of rough ideas. I spoke to Men last night about future and stuffs, while I laid down plans for my future, when it comes to execution I failed miserably. Eh get it? Lemme give an example. Let's say, one of my goal is to graduate in a Mass Communication degree. That's a goal. So how about the execution? This is the part I usually fail. Aite, so I am suppose to think on how to execute it. Maybe by setting my CGPA 3.0 and above (a very typical target by public Uni students), by attending classes, or maybe by scoring 10/10 in all assignments or maybe to group myself with A++ students. See? That is the part where I usually fail to do so. Most of the time, I always think of " Gua nak graduate dengan berjaya". Yeah, how do you rate successful with that. Without a measurement? And yeah, the goal is too general. Should have narrow it down to " Gua nak graduate dengan berjaya dengan mendapat CGPA 3.37 dan sekurang-kurangnya mendapat sekali anugerah dekan dan mendapat buat latihan praktikal di international agency". Get it? When your goal is too broad, you tend to stray away easily. Plus with the syndrome tak apa, heck, so typical of us Malays. Anyway, I've been sending my resume to International and local advertising agencies before the final exam started. I put a high hope (and trying to be positive) to be employed by them. Been asking advices from people all over the place; seniors, friends in the industry and even my former supervisor. So far I am still sending my resume. Oh come on!Argh!Heh.

Enough with career. Mom asked me few weeks ago whether I'm dating/seeing someone right now. Not strange, cuz mom herself is a stalker. Geez, I guess I get those skills from mom eh eh eh? Anyway, I met some girls (eh should I say women?) and went out with them but none of them impressed me. Other may seems very..uh.. very very convincing but when we met face to face I found out it's pretty bland and boring. But that maybe just me. Others scared me out. You know the obsessive type. I tried not to be an asshole, but there's this girl, she really get into my nerves, there you go. A silent bye-bye. Oh come on mannnnnnn. a phone call for most of the time? In a class, a call. When I'm struggling with my assignment, a call. Call call call. At one time I had to switch off my phone. And then mula tabur cerita sedih (lengkap dengan sedu sedan) whatthefuckkenapa boyfieakutinggalkanakukenapayoutanakjadiboyfiei shits. That really freaked me out. Boring la bodoh. Mentaliti kau kampung gila. Kau tak reti go slow? Luckily semua dah okay. No more calls or stupid sms babyirinduyoubilakitanakcouple wugugugagagaga fuck. I'm tired of this emotional connection shits, I found out most people are being hypocrite, which I am myself is uncomfortable. Even there's a guy told me ' ala bro berlakon aje lah depan perempuan tu, benefit ko jugak dapat'. Smartttttttttt abes (sambil tunjuk thumbs up), I don't think I am a good actor let alone to be someone who I am not. So fuck it, lu tak bley terima gua camni lu bole jalan.

I learnt something, in order to satisfy myself in everything I do, I should ask. By that, I mean ask everything. So when I wrote something about god existence, that does not mean I am being a heretic, an atheist or an apostate. Oh come on, do please judge me, I don't give a damn. Lu bagi gua pahala ke skang? Ada?No?Ok diam. Anyway, bila bersolat, atau beribadat, I always think, am I doing it because to fulfill my responsibility as the Creator's slave (eh betul ke term gua nih) or merely to complete my typical life as a Muslim? Or simply to impress people? 20 years ++ I've been doing this blindly (maksudnya buat semata-mata terikut2), only now I realised why should I be a hypocrite? Keikhlasan itu penting. Dan bila aku persoal kewujudan Tuhan tu, bukan bermaksud aku menentang Dia (anti-God anybody?), tapi aku mencari kebenaran supaya aku tak mengikut membabi buta (Samalah hal nya bila aku persoal kenapa hari raya haji kena salam minta maaf jugak. Aku tanya saja pun kena hentam ish). A the end of the day, aku tetap ke tikar sembahyang dan tunaikan tanggungjawab aku. But that's it la, buat apa cerita lebih-lebih, karang naik riak dan tak ikhlas pula. Biar tu antara Tuhan dan aku, kalian boleh cakap apa saja, pahala aku takkan pergi pada kamu (is it?). Biarlah aku cakap, aku rasa khusyuk dan aku nampak, kebenaran tu muncul perlahan-lahan. Berdoa dan jauhi perbuatan yang mendorong kepada kelalaian. Ya, I'm giving myself a lecture. But still, ibadat aku tak lengkap. Ada jua kadang-kadang aku tertinggal. Oh well. Gotta patch things up.

Aku kena buat posting ni dua part lah. Aku mana boleh tulis lama-lama, nanti sakit kepala.

Wei anon!Gua tau sapa lu! Come out and show yourself, tak payah nak sorok-sorok.


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